penance

i walked into the church so slowly it seemed i was floating...i didn't look left or right - but stared at my feet and just kept putting one foot in front of the other. it was dimly lit with most of the light coming from the many flickering candles lining the sides. i exhaled. i hadn't even realized i had been holding my breath. i sat down in the nearest pew and waited... i bowed my head and said a little prayer asking for strength. suddenly i heard a strong voice from behind me.... "follow me, my child". i stood and turned but could only see the back of his robe walking down the aisle and into a corridor. after a few more winding turns we came upon a bank of similar doors. he gestured for me to enter and then followed. i entered the small, confining space and immediately felt a sense of panic and the urge to bolt. but instead, i swallowed hard and whispered, "forgive me father for i have sinned".

"we know, my child" he responded, "that is why you are here".

i opened my mouth to speak but he silenced me with a gesture. "we know of your sins, he stated.."you will be punished". for the first time i looked into his eyes and silently asked what I already knew. "Oh yes, my child", he answered, "it will be painful - you will need to prepare."

two sisters entered the room and began to help me undress. one carefully folded my clothes, placing them on a nearby chair while the other tied my hair back. i was trembling but not from the air on my naked skin. i was modest and tried to cover myself. the sistera led me a long, wooden bench and stretched me face down lenghtwise on it. it felt very hard and cold. now i was truly scared. i heard priest come around to the side of the bench. "you will now be strapped, my child, thoroughly and completely..... until i feel you have been washed clean of your sins... do you understand" he asked? i tried to answer but no words would come. I nodded in acquiesence.

he stood to the side and proceeded to pray. it seemed an eternity and my fear began to take over. i began to cry quietly. waiting was excruciating. as the first crack of the strap whistled through the air I tensed. it landed. i winced - determined not to cry out. another landed. it hurt so badly tears sprung into my eyes unbidden. he did many fast strikes in a row and i moaned so loudly i wasn't even sure if the sound was coming from me. God, how it stung! more cracks .........and suddenly he isn't pausing in between anymore. it is a constant strap upon bare behind and I find myself squirming unintentionally to avoid the contact. he is unhappy with the movment and orders me to hold still. i try so hard but cannot control my squirming. he gestures to the sisters to hold me and i bridle at the thought of being held down. one sister holds my ankles while the other one stretches my arms out in front of me. she has a very firm grasp. the next thing i know the strap has started in again. i clench my rear thinking it might be a bit of protection but there is no protection to be had. he is strapping me hard and fast. i cannot catch my breath. it hurts beyond anything i have ever imagined and i am beginning to want it to stop. i mutter a "please" but no one responds. no one save the strap that keeps biting into me and burning my backside. it stings and i am on fire. i want it to be over... i am trying so hard not to cry but a sob escapes me and one of the sisters says "go ahead my child - let it out". i do. suddenly I am wailing and crying and begging for it to stop. it continues. i am beside myself. "it hurts!!!", i cry and the sister just nods her head. I am growing to a place where i need it to stop and it doesn't. i am on the edge of panic. my cries are starting to resemble screams and still it continues.

suddenly it does stop. it is silent except for my cries. i begin to truly sob. one sister lets go of my legs and the other one gently strokes my hair. "this is necessary" she says. "you must be brave". i look up incredulous that it might not be over. i see the father is now holding a switch in his hand. he is calm but waiting. "oh no, oh no, oh no" i stammer. "i cannot bear it".
"yes, you can - and yes, you will" he says without any expression whatsoever. The sisters then help me off the bench and place me spreadeagle upon the wall. there are small rings that they secure both hands and feet to. i turn my cheek so i can see the father behind me. hs is ready - i can tell. i close my eyes and pray for strength.

no words can describe the feeling once he begins. it is like liquid fire raining down up on the back of my legs. i am screaming for mercy. it is painful beyond words and i hate it and deserve it all at the same time. i want it to stop and I want it to burn more. he reads my mind. he finds new spots to burn. i am bucking and thrashing as much as i am being thrashed. it continues for an eternity. i hear a long, continuous high pitched wail coming from somewhere, not conscious that is is me. the switching ends.

i hear them praying behind me but cannot make out what they say. I am panting, choking on my sobs and saying my own prayers it is over. the sisters untie me and gently lead me over to a small cot in the corner - holding me up as i cannot walk well yet. they place me face down on the cot and gently rub oil all over my thoroughly blistered backside. i cry softly now. i have been punished well and so deservedly. i feel cleansed. i am free.